Relief and regret.

My position at the new job has been...nice so far. I am working at a primary school on base that is a few streets over from the school that I worked at last year. The same school that I taught first grade for three months and decided I wasn't getting enough support or guidance to warrant staying there.

I loved that school. I made so many close friends and the teachers and staff were so unbelievably wonderful. I have never been at a school that was so inviting, so welcoming, and felt like such a family.

That being said, it was so hard to leave last year. And because of my inner turmoil about quitting, I never went back to visit or to see the wonderful women that worked there. I didn't think I could handle it. I didn't want to see what my old classroom looked like, I didn't want to see how great my former students were doing without me. I just wanted to pretend like it didn't exist, because then I wouldn't have to face the fact that I gave that all up.

B-u-t, this morning I had to face my fears and tears and go to a training session at the very same school I left.

I was so nervous on my drive there. No one from that school knew that I got a job at the sister school on base. So everyone was so surprised (and happy) to see me walk into the training session this morning.

I was afraid I would lose it when I went there. That all of the old feelings would come back and that I would realize what a horrible mistake I made in leaving.

Well, it kind of went like that. It was so nice to see everyone. They went on and on about how wonderful a teacher I was, and that they wish I had never left, and that my students asked about me all the time (that made me feel really good) and that I shouldn't settle with being a teacher's assistant, and that I should get back in the classroom. It was nice to hear those things.

But it was also hard. Because as I was pretending to listen to the lawyer giving the training, I was glancing around, remembering how it felt to be a teacher there, and reflecting on why I left. And it made me heartsick. Because as stressful as it was, I really, really miss it. I miss the people, the students, the accomplishments, my own classroom.

I was torn between relief from quitting, and regret that I didn't stay.

And the only thing that kept running through my mind was "I wish I was still teaching here. I should have just sucked it up and stayed."

Too late to realize that though. But maybe this stint as a teacher's assistant will help me find time to get my shit together and figure out if and when I can be a teacher again.

And I finally faced my fears of returning there. I didn't expect such a warm welcome. It was nice to know I was loved. (and still am. The kindergarten teacher I team taught with is going to be my new walking buddy after school. So something did come of my visit, aside from mandatory sexual harassment training)